Descent into Madness
by Black Hawk
Summary: When left alone, the demons stir. Sirius struggles to confront the pain of his family life while dealing with the reality of his sixth year at Hogwarts.
1. Prologue: Wounded

**A/N: I have never before written a _Harry Potter_ tale, yet this idea would not leave me alone. Please forgive any "fandom" mistakes I may have made, for I have also read very little _Harry Potter_ fanfiction. Yet rest assured that I shall try and remedy that! **

_**Descent into Madness**_

**Prologue: Wounded **

_I'm sitting right now, staring at a small tuft of grass sticking out between two rocks, its leaves tossed about in the wind as my hair whips wildly across my face. My wounded eyes turn towards the pale of the sky. I never thought I'd be here, running for my life again. _

_I never spoke of it to James or Remus. We had a quiet understanding that we would not mention it. In the end, not many years were allowed to perform their dance. None of us were able to wait long enough for it all to invariably surface. Events took another course…_

_Some would say that Tragedy struck, that Fate's cruel hand destroyed us. I say that Life struck. _


	2. Lost

**_Descent into Madness_**

**I. Lost**

The flesh of his arm was still aching and burning from being twisted.

"You will if I say you will!"

Hot angry tears slipped over high cheekbones.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you!"

When he didn't move, claw-like fingernails dug into his chin, forcing his gaze upwards. A sneer twisted her face. "You pathetically weak excuse for a boy, what I ever did to deserve such a disappointment as you I'll never know."

He wished he could stop crying. He wished he'd never started in the first place.

She released his chin and his lips parted in relief as the pain of her fingernails began to recede. She observed him through narrowed eyes. "Now, I want you to get on your knees and apologize, then ask for my forgiveness."

It was not long ago that he would have kneeled and pleaded with his mother. Yet he understood more clearly now what to give in to her would mean. He understood now that he would be allowing her to mold him in her image. The thought both frightened and angered him. And so he did not move.

Her eyes widened, baring their whites menacingly. Her voice dropped to a low hiss. "Did you hear me, child?"

"Yes," his chest was heaving yet he'd managed to slow his tears. His voice was meek.

Her mouth became a thin line as she cocked her head, scrutinizing her son. "I said _kneel_."

He did not trust himself to speak again, so he held her gaze and shook his head. She had a fistful of his hair and was arching his neck at a painful angle, satisfaction smiling in her face as his eyes screwed up against the onslaught once more. "Idiot boy. How _dare_ you disobey me. Think you're something special, do you?" she gave a particularly hard yank making him gasp. "It's time I remind you once more of your place. We named you well, you lowly dog. Kreacher!" he flinched as she shouted near his ear. "Fetch me a belt. A sound beating will do this boy a world of good."

**oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo**

They were over by the tree again. They were always by the tree. That used to be their spot, but now he felt like a stranger to it. He didn't know how much more he could take. He was loosing his brother and was helpless to stop it.

Someone bumped into his shoulder and muttered an apology as they passed. Sirius took a deep breath, his startled heart hammering as his senses were flooded with the life of the gusty grey day around him. He blinked away from the two figures under the tree. The wind tugged his hair off his face as he surveyed the grounds, the chill of the air permeating his robes.

He cast a frustrated look at the overcast sky then at the black and red heads beneath the tree before heading back into the castle. James was most obviously occupied and Remus had disappeared. He turned down a hall and headed for the common room. Maybe James would eventually miss his company and seek him out.

His hair fell back into his eyes as he climbed the stair passing some prefects hanging Christmas decorations. The sight of the deep green boughs dropped dread into his stomach. It was little over a week until the start of the winter holidays. He adjusted the strap on his shoulder, thinking of the letter he'd received yesterday. Oh, but yesterday seemed so long ago… anxiety lurched his gut.

He muttered the password to the Fat Lady and made a beeline for one of the armchairs in front of the fire. Once there he un-slung the heavy bag from his shoulder and sank stiffly into the chair. His gaze lingered on the fire for a long moment. He could work on his History of Magic essay… but James was expecting to do it with him.

_Well, too bad for him then_. He roughly jerked his textbook from his bag and began leafing through, not really seeing the pages.

Try as he might he couldn't blame Lily. It wasn't her fault, nor was it James'. It was life's fault- a part of growing up. Yet reminding himself of that didn't make it any easier. When he thought of how little he'd seen of James over the past week his annoyance flared. Didn't he know he needed him? Didn't he know there were time Sirius was nearly dependent upon him? After the drama over the summer he'd hoped his friend wouldn't need reminding, that he'd understand. Yet it was a wordless understanding and one he wasn't keen to voice, especially since the thought immediately shamed him. How selfish he was! He should be happy for his friend, his brother, and not lamenting the absence of his company.

Looking up from his book he glanced about the common room. His fellow students were busily chatting or working in groups. His stomach began to tighten as he realized he was the only one alone again.

Two girls were speaking in the corner of the room. One of them noticed his gaze and made eye contact briefly before returning her eyes to her chattering companion. They both laughed. Were they talking about him- mocking his solitude?

He rose quickly, swinging his bag back over his shoulder, the History of Magic textbook in one hand, and headed for the boys' dormitory. He hadn't expected anyone else to be in the dormitory yet still breathed a sigh of relief to find he was alone. He dropped his bag and book on the bed then froze as his eyes fell upon the letter on his nightstand. Anxiety flooded his inside once more, causing nervous heat to blossom in his skin.

He hadn't told James. He hadn't told anyone. Yet he knew someone knew. She's written herself that she'd told someone…

How could she have such control over his emotions, even here?

**oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo**

James eyed the boy at the end of the table, far from the long tables' other occupants. A smile spread over his face as he realized that Severus was seated opposite Sirius. With their backs turned to each other, neither seemed to notice that they'd chosen a seat next to the other. However, when the hem of Sirius' robes suddenly caught fire, James knew the oblivion had been one-sided.

Sirius leapt to his feet, swearing as he struggled to stamp out the flames. James didn't have time to reach his friend before a woman bustled between them. "Mr. Black!" her voice was the grating hiss of one attempting to yell while still whispering. "This is a _library_!"

Having extinguished the flames Sirius jerked his head to toss some of the hair out of his eyes, facing the librarian. He made no effort to quiet his voice. "And?"

"It is not a suitable place for spell-practicing," her voice grew louder as she fought to continue to whisper-yell.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Thank you, Ma'am. I'll be sure to pass that bit of information on to Severus here."

The librarian didn't seem to catch his meaning for her voice now matched his in volume. "You may very well tell whomever you like, Mr. Black, but since you were already issued a warning last week I hereby ban you from this library until after the winter holidays."

Sirius snatched up his belongings under the piercing gaze of the librarian. He met her glare with equally narrowed eyes. "Happy Christmas, then." he pushed past, all heads turning to watch his exit.

James could feel the tension of the many students fighting the urge to whisper as he turned around a bookcase and followed his friend out. Yet when he exited the library Sirius had already disappeared. The smile slid off his face as he looked left and right, searching for a sign of his friend.

Deciding Sirius had most likely have headed for the common room, James quickened his pace, yet when he got there Sirius was not among the gathered students. He headed for the dormitory to drop off his bag, pausing for a moment on the threshold when he caught sight of Sirius's bed with the curtains pulled closed. He quietly set down his bag then stepped up to the bed, his voice unsure. "Sirius?" He could hear a rustle within.

"What do you want, Prongs?" His voice sounded exasperated.

James furrowed his brow. "Can I open your bed curtains?"

A sigh, then the muffled voice again. "If you must."

James tentatively pulled back the scarlet fabric to find his friend lying face-down, head burrowed into the pillows. He couldn't help but smirk. "What's wrong, Padfoot?"

"Nothing. Everything's great. Why wouldn't it be?"

James rolled his eyes, matching his friend's sarcasm. "Right. Well, glad we cleared that up. I'll just be going then…"

"Fine. Run along to your little girlfriend."

"What?"

Sirius shifted to peer at his friend through his bangs. "You having problems hearing, mate?"

James paused for a moment, surprised at being the target of Sirius' anger. "All right then. You're obviously in a bad mood."

"Just shut up and go away." The bespectacled boy was too surprised to respond and for a moment remained frozen, Sirius's icy gaze still upon him. "Go on! I'm sure Lily's waiting for you somewhere."

"What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Just sod off!"

James held up his hands in defeat. "Fine. I'm leaving. You happy?"

"Not till I hear the door close."

James slammed it shut in response. Sirius winced then rolled onto his back, guilt creeping through him. He wanted to go after James and apologize right then and there yet his pride kept him where he was. Like James even really cared. He was perfectly happy to ignore his friend whenever Evans was around.

He felt a twinge of shame. He liked Lily and knew it wasn't her fault that James spent less and less time with him. What bothered him was that James didn't seem to even need him anymore, yet he gritted his teeth in frustration when he considered how much he depended upon James.

_**Please Review!**_


	3. Brother to Brother

**A/N: Sorry for the bizarre "o's" and "0's" - they were the only format of line breaks that I could get "Document Manager" to take. **

**Descent into Madness**

**II. **

**Brother to Brother**

The next time Sirius saw James was at dinner that evening. He had come down to eat late and reluctantly sank into the seat Remus had saved for him. James was once more speaking to Lily and both were grinning. Both were happy.

He played with the few food items on his plate, not having eaten any. He ignored Remus' pointedly significant glances. Peter was eyeing him from across the table, yet without the concerned gleam of Remus' eyes. "I heard you were kicked out of the library today, Padfoot."

Sirius stared at the grinning, round-faced boy before him. Peter stopped chuckling to himself when the other did not relent in his stare.

"What's wrong, Padfoot?" Moony's quiet voice and innocent, expectant face constricted Sirius' throat. He eyed Remus a moment, the other beginning to wonder as Sirius' eyes lingered on his scars. Perhaps he should talk to Moony. He might understand, after all. But he knew how he'd respond. He didn't want to have to suffer the empathy is Remus' eyes if he told him. He didn't want to speak it at all, for to speak it would make it horribly real. He'd rather continue with the altered hope that if he ignored it long enough it might go away…

He didn't answer Moony's question but instead felt his gaze boring into his back as he left the table and headed for the common room without a word.

**oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo**

Not wanting to speak to anyone, Sirius went to bed early. He lay awake for what felt like hours, yet when Remus and Peter entered he feigned sleep. They muttered about the start of the last week before the holidays. Peter was reciting his Christmas list.

Sirius had left his bed hangings open and could sense Remus eyeing him at intervals yet gave no indication that he wasn't asleep. Their tongues soon fell silent and Peter's heavy breathing filled the air.

Sirius glanced at the clock. It was 10:15 on a Sunday night; all of James' friends were in bed. There was only one thing that could be keeping him from boredom at this hour. Try as he might, he couldn't quell the wounded anger that surfaced with this thought.

When James finally slipped in a half hour later, Sirius wasn't about to let him off easily.

"We've got class tomorrow morning, you know."

James paused in pulling on his pajama top, obviously having thought his friend had been asleep. "I know."

"Well, you were up pretty late."

James raised his eyebrows. "By the looks of it so are you." He eyed Sirius a moment longer yet spoke when it became clear the other boy wasn't inclined to. "Since when do you care about bedtimes, anyway? I think before midnight's pretty good for a Sunday night."

"Maybe I'm different now. You wouldn't know."

"What?"

"I've hardly seen you lately. You spend all your time with Lily!"

"Keep your voice down, Remus and Peter are sleeping."

"See if I care."

"What's the _matter_ with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me, it's you who's got the problem."

"You don't see me pouting all the time, do you?"

"What?" Sirius rose onto his knees, kneeling on the bed. "I dare you to come and say that to my face."

"Padfoot…." James gave him an apologetic sigh.

"Stuff it James. No need to save face, I already know what kind of friend you are."

James' hands balled into fists. "How am I supposed to know what's wrong if you don't tell me?"

"I don't need to tell you! You already know, you stupid git!"

"Fine then, just cry about it all you want. I'm not going to try and help you anymore."

"That's hardly news."

"Meaning?"

"You stopped the minute that tart started paying attention to you!"

James' teeth were gritted. "Don't you dare speak about Lily like that."

Sirius smiled, a vengeful anger and exhilaration prompting him to defy his friend even further. "I can talk about her in any way I please."

James' chest heaved as he stepped forward, pointing his finger menacingly at Sirius. He held no hope now of letting the other two sleep. "You watch your mouth!"

Sirius leaned forward, his voice dipping into a growl. "And what are you going to do, James? _Hit_ me?"

"I'm thinking about, yeah."

"Well I'm right here."

The two continued to glare at each other, ignoring Remus' quiet voice advising them to drop the matter and reminding them of their friendship.

When James froze in mid-step, fists clenched, Sirius threw him a lopsided smirk, his voice still deadly low. "Don't try and be noble, James. I know you want to hit me."

James fought for words. "Shut… up…"

"Padfoot _stop_ it!" Remus was nearly screaming, looking as if he didn't know which one of them to grab first. Peter remained in his bed, eyes wide, seemingly incapable of anything coherent.

"What's wrong, James?" he tossed his head habitually, clearing some of the hair from his eyes. "Afraid you'll hurt me? I think you know better."

James took a menacing step forward, a hand catching Remus in the chest and pushing him backwards as he tried to stop him.

"You know I can take it James. Go ahead; hit me for insulting your lady friend."

"Padfoot shut _up_!" but before Remus could move to stop the two again, James had launched himself at Sirius, knocking the other boy clean over the other side of the bed. They landed in a heaped mess, one of them crying out in pain. Sirius struggled to get out from beneath his friend and managed to serve him a blow to the face before James could properly orient himself. Spurred by the blow, he seized his advantage and slugged Sirius in the back. He then scrambled to his feet, panting as Sirius slowly rose before him. Neither paid Peter any heed as he rushed past them.

Sirius wiped at the blood coming from his split lip, his eyes barely visible underneath his hair as he looked up at James. "That all you got four-eyes?"

James roughly shoved Sirius, his elbow catching Remus in the face, who backed away, clutching his stinging eye. "You mangy cur," he shoved the other again. "I've got plenty more than that."

When he moved to shove Sirius again the other met his attack and shoved back, but was caught so off guard by the blow to his face that he lost his footing and crashed into the bedside cabinet. James was on top of him a moment later and Sirius kicked out to be free of him. When James rolled onto the floor and Sirius flung himself at him once more, pinning the other's arms beneath his knees and raising his fist to strike. He paused when he registered the tears in the others eyes and Remus saw his opportunity and grabbed at Sirius' raised fist, yanking and pleading.

"What on earth?"

All three in the room looked up at the appalled voice of Professor McGonagall. She was in her nightclothes, Peter just behind her. "Mister Black! Get off him!"

Panting, Sirius slowly rose to his feet, Remus eyeing him then awkwardly attempting to help James to his feet. "You should be _ashamed_ of yourselves!"

Sirius gingerly felt his throbbing arm as he eyed his head of house wearily. She looked fit to burst with the rage livid in her eyes. "Muggle dueling! In the middle of the night," she began to pace slightly, eyeing each in the room. "And with members of your own _house_! I really don't know what to say." She breathed hard through her flaring nostrils as she eyed the two combatants. "Thank Merlin Pettigrew came to fetch me. From the looks of it you two would have destroyed all of Gryffindor tower." She paced a bit more, the two panting boys in front of her gazing at the floor. "_Explain_ yourselves!"

When neither answered she looked to Remus. "Lupin?"

He moved his mouth wordlessly then glanced at his two friends.

McGonagall snapped her head away in annoyance. "Potter?"

"It… it was personal, Professor."

She raised her eyebrows wildly. "Well not anymore it isn't, you've made sure of that."

James' cheeks reddened.

"He insulted another student, Professor," came Peter's meek voice from behind her.

She spun about to face him. "Go on."

He stared at his feet, his face turning redder by the second. "He insulted Evans, Professor. Then taunted James to hit him for it."

"Shut up, Peter."

McGonagall's head whipped about once more to focus on Sirius. Her eyes narrowed. "So you were the instigator of this duel, were you?"

Sirius shot a sideways glare at James before returning his attention to his head of house. "I was just tired of putting up with his shit is all, Professor."

Her eyes widened menacingly. "Watch your mouth, Black."

Remus heart sped at Sirius' gall as he spoke next. "What? Shit? I can say it whenever the bloody hell I want. Shit, shit, shit-" Remus clamped his hand over his friend's mouth.

McGonagall straightened to her full height and looked down at him over her bony nose. "Ten points from Gryffindor, from both of you, and a week's detention from you, Mr. Black, for disrespecting a teacher."

Both boys' postures seemed to wince with the verdict.

"And I want a formal, written apology, Mr. Black, is that clear?"

Sirius didn't answer.

McGonagall took a step forward and Sirius shifted, eyeing her through his veil of hair nervously.

"_Is_ that clear?"

He nodded mutely.

She straightened again. "Good." As she turned to leave Sirius fixed Peter with a glare before shoving James out of his way. James pushed back, however, causing Remus to once again try to place himself between his two friends, his gaze warning. He hastily let go of Sirius' pajama sleeve, however, once he caught McGonagall's eye. Both James and Sirius followed his gaze to their head of house who they had assumed had left.

"I see I cannot trust you both to share sleeping quarters this night. Black," she extended her hand. "If you will come with me, I shall arrange for you to spend the night elsewhere."

"Why do _I_ have to go?"

"Because for all intents and purposes you are the instigator of this mess." She waved her hand. "Gather your things, you shall spend the night in the hospital wing."

He wordlessly snatched his pillow and blanket off his bed then followed McGonagall out and down to the common room. His arm was throbbing horribly.

"Professor?"

McGonagall narrowed her eyes at him in response.

"Can I please go to the bathroom first, Professor?"

Her lips thinned. At least his voice had returned to the civil tone he usually used when speaking with her. "Make it snappy. I'll be waiting right here."

He set his bedding down on a chair then slipped silently into the toilets. Once inside, however, he let his shoulders droop as he took in a shuddering breath. What _was_ wrong with him? Why had he taunted James so badly? He deserved what he'd gotten, he knew, but why couldn't he have swallowed his pride and backed off? James wasn't one of his parents, after all. His left arm gave another painful throb and he gingerly tugged at his sleeve. His wrist was beginning to swell and with a rush of heated anxiety he realized that he may have broken it when he fell from the bed.

Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of a raggedy boy with a split lip and bruised eye hidden under his bangs. He sunk to the cold floor between the sinks as he fought to control his emotions. He'd looked McGonagall right in the eye and swore at her. He'd hurt James. He'd lost Gryffindor twenty points. And he'd have to face his parents in a few days' time and deal with his actions from over the summer. By the tone of her letter, his punishment was going to be severe.

He bit his lip as a sob threatened to escape, cradling his left arm in his right.

McGonagall shifted her weight, arching an eyebrow. She'd never thought she'd have to break up a fight between Potter and Black, much less have Black look her in the eye and blatantly disrespect and defy her. Hormones were definitely in control of that boy at the moment. He'd been uncharacteristically quiet and withdrawn for much of this term and now he had the gall to speak to her in such a manner? Absolutely unheard of!

She shifted her weight again, her patience all but gone. "Mr. Black?"

He tried to sink into himself. He didn't want to come out. He couldn't face the morning.

"Mr. Black, you've been in there for twenty minutes. I'm warning you, if you don't come out momentarily _I_ am coming in!"

She waited about a minute more before flinging open the door, her eyes scanning the darkened bathroom and narrowing upon the shape huddled by the sinks. "It is nearly midnight, Mr. Black, _you_ may be able to afford staying up all hours of the night but I assure you, _I_ cannot. I have classes to teach." Sirius didn't look at her, nor did he move. "Oh come, on your feet!" She reached down and tugged on his arm as he began to rise, urging his haste.

As his left arm was pulled Sirius could barely suppress a gasp. McGonagall shot him an icy glare then shifted her grip to his upper arm as she led him out of the bathroom. Pausing only to stuff his bedding back into his free arm she marched him from Gryffindor tower and toward the hospital wing. "Your mother recently wrote to me requesting that I personally see to it that you leave Hogwarts for home this Holiday. I think now I understand why…"

His arm was on fire after having been unknowingly yanked by McGonagall and he was expending much of his energy to keep from gasping in pain and keeping up with her furious steps, much less speaking.

They arrived in the hospital wing and McGonagall all but shoved him away from her. Every bed was empty. "Now, take your pick. And good night, Mr. Black!"

He didn't move. As McGonagall neared the door she chanced a glance back at her student and felt her heart, for all the irritation and disappointment he had caused that night, take a moment to soften for the forlorn silhouette in the middle of the room, unmoving and still clutching his bedding to his chest.

_**Please Review!**_

**Review Responses: **

**Phantasmal Abduction:** What a fascinating and mysterious screen name you have! Thank you so much for your review! I hope you got the chance to read the actual first chapter other than the prologue. This site was being a bit annoying about actually **displaying** what I'd posted... but please, do tell me what you think!

**Sache 8:** Hello my sweet friend! How are you? Interesting take on the prologue! I wonder what your opinion is now? I'd love to hear it!

**Padfoot:** My Padfoot! Yes, poor Sirius. I know you can relate to it. ;o) Love ya Padmeister!

**EsScaper:** I know, poor Sirius, and yes, you're right, you can't be mad at James and Lily. It's not really their fault, you know? But he's looking for someone to lash out at... If you didn't like last chapter then this one must be a bit much. But I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for reading!

**paige-rossi-black:** Ah, acoording to your name you must be a relation of Sirius'? ;o) I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even if it didn't quite go how I know you would have wanted it to, lol. I'd love to hear your thoughts, my friend. Take care!


	4. Revelation

**A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed and who are reading. Being new to this fandom, I'd like to ask my readers if they have any suggestions of other stories that they think I might enjoy. Feel free to e-mail or IM me, or to simply respond in a review! And thank you in advance- I greatly value your opinions!**

_**Descent into Madness**_

**III. Revelation**

Sirius couldn't sleep. His wrist was throbbing so painfully now that waves of heat seemed to cascade over his body. No matter how he lay his aching limb continued to shriek in pain. He knew that all he had to do was find Madam Pomfrey for the pain to stop. McGonagall had no doubt told her that a student would be spending the night in the hospital wing. Yet his pride and fear of the pain walking might cause his arm kept him where he was, cradling his wrist. The tears eventually stopped, and in the early hours of the morning the pain became a dull throbbing and he drifted into an uneasy sleep.

Much too soon he was being urged to wake. After a few moments of confusion he recognized the voice as belonging to Madam Pomfrey. He blinked several times, trying to see her face clearly through the haze of his eyes and the veil of his bangs. She'd stopped speaking now and he noticed with a slight start that her hand was moving over his forehead. As her face came into focus he noticed fine lines of concern.

"You've got a fever, child." She sounded surprised. Her eyes were racing over his visible form. She gently prodded his split lip and bruised eye, her eyes narrowed. He tried to speak yet only a hoarse whisper ground out. "What was that, dear?"

"My… my arm hurts."

Her eyes raced to the limb resting slightly awkwardly on the mattress. He couldn't suppress a groan as she unbuttoned his pajama sleeve and tugged the cuff down his arm. "Oh…"

She prodded it a bit more while Sirius wondered viciously why she had to wake him in the first place. Sleep had been relatively pain free. "I think it's broken, that's why you have a fever. The bones have been pulled out of place; I'll have to set them straight."

She gingerly lay his arm back down. "I don't think you'll be attending class today, Mr. Black." She bustled away from his bed. "I'm just going to get you some painkiller before I go about setting that arm right."

_Setting that arm right_ sounded none too pleasant to Sirius.

Pomfrey returned with a potion which she measured out into a small glass then helped him drink. Within minutes the effects endowed him with coherence. Pomfrey helped him to sit up and as he did he winced, his back aching with the pain of a deep bruise. Pomfrey narrowed her eyes. "What else hurts?"

He shook his head.

"No use trying to hide your injuries, Mr. Black. I'm a healer – it's what I do. Your head of house already told me you were in a fight last night. Now let me have a look at your back."

Sirius cradled his arm in his right hand and grimaced as he shifted, still feeling dizzy and drowsy while the potion worked. Without another word Pomfrey eased his back away from the pillow and made a nervous sound. "There's a bloodstain on your pajamas, Black. I'm going to need to look under them."

She gently lifted the material off his back, frowning when she saw the broken skin surrounded by bruised flesh. "Looks like you had a nasty fall. Well, nothing that I won't be able to clear up soon enough." She began to lower his top once more when she noticed a slightly raised line. Scrutinizing it for a moment she noticed that there was another, and another. She traced her fingers gently over the scarred flesh. Her voice was quiet. "Where did you get these marks on your back, Black?"

Sirius blinked to clear his vision. His thoughts had been drifting from the events of the previous night to the fortune of missing classes that day, yet when he felt her fingers trail over the flesh of his back his reality and coherence slammed back into him with panic force. "Don't touch me," she shifted feebly away from her.

Immediately releasing the fabric of his pajamas Pomfrey pulled back. She took a moment to compose herself, grateful that she was seated behind the student so he couldn't see the shock in her eyes. "Alright then, Mr. Black. I'll just be seeing to your arm, but I wonder why you didn't tell anyone about it last night."

"I didn't hurt then," he lied as she came back into view. She noted how he watched her like a defensive dog, waiting for the scolding it knew would be coming.

"I'll get the supplies I need. Excuse me." She left the room and as she hunted down the needed potions she scratched out a note to Minerva McGonagall.

**ooo00ooo ooo00ooo ooo00ooo ooo00ooo ooo00ooo ooo00ooo ooo00ooo**

"Mr. Potter?"

James paused, slowing Remus and Peter as they headed for lunch. He eyed his head of house wearily, not wanting to have to relive the previous night's events again.

"A word, if you please?"

After a moment James nodded. "Of course."

She beckoned him into her office, noting the look of concern in Remus' uncannily wise eyes. She inclined her head to him and he reluctantly looked away before continuing toward the great hall with Peter.

Once inside, McGonagall offered him a piece of Scottish shortbread. His stomach rumbling at the hour, he gratefully took one then was seated opposite her.

"I wish to speak with you about Sirius Black, Potter."

James swallowed his mouthful of shortbread around the tightness of his throat. He chewed more slowly now.

"I understand that he's had a change of residence over this summer."

James nodded, swallowing again. "Yes, Professor. He stayed with me for the second half of the summer holidays."

"Potter, while this may sound exceedingly personal to you, why did he leave his home?"

James blinked at his head of house. Not even Remus of Peter knew the reason and he was expected to tell a teacher? "Professor-"

"You can trust that any information you provide is strictly confidential and that I would not be inquiring were I under different circumstances."

James swallowed again although there was no shortbread in his mouth this time.

"Why did Sirius Black come to stay with you over the summer?"

He parted his lips but curiously no words came. "He… they…"

McGonagall took her seat behind the desk. The trouble he was clearly having telling her was confirmation enough. She felt the tension in the room intensify. "Mr. Potter, was Sirius Black injured in any way when he came to your home this summer?"

James' eyes darted sharply to hers. He offered a reluctant "yes." To his surprise, she did not stop there.

"Did he tell you who hurt him?"

James shot a futile glance about her office, feeling increasingly uneasy about the situation. Sirius never had named the perpetrators specifically. He hadn't needed to. James had known. He'd always known. "No, Professor."

She sighed and leaned back in her chair. For a moment, she, too let her gaze linger out the window.

"But I… I mean, he never needed to tell me."

Her eyes met his and her gaze was soft. "Thank you, Mr. Potter. You may go to lunch now."

James began to rise but paused, looking at McGonagall inquisitively. "Professor? Might I ask why you've asked me this?"

McGonagall began to unnecessarily straighten the items on her desk. "After your duel last night I escorted Mr. Black to the hospital wing. As Madam Pomfrey tended to his injuries she noticed some odd scars on his back, apparently from previous injury."

James' face blanched. He didn't feel hungry anymore. "Wh-What are you going to do, Professor?" he hastily added her title to his quietly spoken query.

She did not meet his gaze. "As of now I am quite unsure. There isn't much I can do, I'm afraid."

When James did not move her eyes found his again. She smiled in attempt to assuage the concern and fear in his eyes. "Yet be assured that is not my final word on the matter."

James observed her, wanting to believe her.

"Good day to you, Mr. Potter. I expect to see you in Transfiguration after lunch."

"Of course, Professor."

**_Please Review!_**

**Review Responses:**

**Padfoot:** How utterly Sirius indeed! Poor guy, huh? Love ya mellon-nïn! ;o)

**RubyRasin:** Thank you so much for your feedback, my friend! And I'm also very relieved to hear that you consider my portrayal of "the boys'" relationship as realistic. As I said in the prologue, I'm not all that familiar with this fandom, but I have read nearl all the books twice, so I am greatly encouraged by observations such as yours. Thank you so much. I hope you're well and that you enjoyed this chapter!

**Allacaya:** Thank you so much for reading! I'm so glad that you like this story- and I shall certainly try to update again within a few days! Thank you so much for your kind words and your support. It means a lot to me. Take care and I hop you enjoyed this chapter:o)

**paige-rossi-black:** LOL- you make me laugh, my friend! "Mean mean mean" and you're right, if they all just made up right away there wouldn't be much of a story, would there:o) I hope you liked this chapter. It's a small step forward, right? Be sure to tell me what you think, sweetie!

**EsScaper:** What a lovely review you left me, my friend! I was most pleased! And I'm glad to hear that you did like the last few chapters, and hopefully this one, although, I suppose that with content like this, it might be moe appropriate to say that you don't like it? LOL. Before I confuse myself further... thank you so much for your positive comments. It really helps to hear what worked in a piece of writing. I could see the fight scene all in my head, and I'm glad that it transfered to the page for you. And yes, Sirius' pride is slowly getting the better of him, isn't it? And I loved your expression: "Poor puppy"! LOL- So darling.

And taps her foot in admonishment I most certainly DID read your bio, missy! lol. And I've even begun reading Robin4's stories. As I'm sure you're all sick of hearing by now, I'm horribly new to this fandom and haven't read much fanfiction, so I've mostly been following leads of suggestions. Thank you so much for yours! And I can most certainly understand how motherhood takes up the majority of one's time, however, I still feel that you are able to accomplish great things if you try. I would be more than willing to help you write any story you like, my dear. I'm sur eyou will do wonderfully! Take care, and I selfishly hope that you shall continue reading. :o)

**Saiyanwizardgurl:** Thank you so much for your kind review! You have given me the encouragement I feel that I need to keep writing in this fandom. Like yourself, I have encountered few Sirius-centered stories that were not slash, and so have resorted to just following recommendations of stories from other readers. Not that I have anything against slash, it's just not a realistic portrayal of the characters, you know? But I'm glad you like this story and I hope you continue to. Take care and I hope to hear from you again soon!

**Me: LOL-** Lovely name. ;o) I'm glad you like it, sweetie, and I most certainly WILL continue it! Don't worry- I have the whole thing finished already. ;o) I hope you keep reading and keep liking! Take care!

**Phinea:** Thank you so much for reading and for your encouragement! I was a bit nervous about writing the relationship between Sirius and his mother, mostly because I was doing a lot of reading between the lines, as it were. But I hope it's satisfactory. Thank you again, and I ardently hope that you enjoyed this chapter!


	5. Brave No More

**A/N: Thank you to all of those who gave me story recommendations! I highly appreciate them! Fell free to recommend more! ;o) Enjoy!**

_**Descent into Madness**_

**III. Brave no More**

Sirius stared at the ceiling and sighed. He'd already eaten the chocolate Remus had brought him earlier that afternoon. The sun had already set and James had not come to see him once. Not that he really expected him to come, but he thought he might at least be curious as to why his friend had missed all of his classes that day. Then again, after last night they might not even be friends anymore.

Distant footsteps caused his heart to quicken and his frame to stiffen. When they passed a moment later he relaxed back onto his pillow. He'd been terrified Madam Pomfrey would ask him further about the marks she'd seen on his back. If he hadn't been so loopy at the time he wouldn't have even let her see them in the first place.

It was now Monday evening. In four days he'd be shipped off back home. The thought drove off any other feelings as anxiety swept over him once more. He'd have to go back to that place. He knew the moment he ran away from home that summer that were he ever to return the punishment would he severe. Yet it had always seemed so far off… and he'd felt sure he could sneak off with James' family again. But now his mother had written to McGonagall, and McGonagall was going to see her wishes fulfilled. That was her duty, after all, was it not? He wasn't an adult; he couldn't make his own decisions yet. Until that fateful day he would remain under that terrible yoke…

"Mr. Black?" Madam Pomfrey seemed to have appeared out of nowhere and he visibly started at her voice. "Professor McGonagall is here to see you." She stepped aside and Sirius felt his anxiety tighten as her stern gaze fell upon his bedridden form. He fought to keep his breathing even. For a moment he thought he'd seen his mother's cruel glint in her eyes…

"How are you feeling, Mr. Black?"

Her question caught him off guard and he eyed her skeptically. "Fine, Professor."

"Do you mind if I have a seat?"

_Yes_. He didn't want her anywhere near him at the moment. He didn't want anyone near him. Instead he nodded.

With a wave or two of her wand she conjured up a chair and sat alongside his bed. As she scooted it toward him she noted him tense. His nearly palpable apprehension was not making things any easier. Did he have so little faith that he'd now fear violence from her? She choked down the thought.

"Sirius…"

He cocked his head slightly. She'd never called him by his first name before. His dread intensified.

She continued in a voice he had rarely, if ever, heard from her. It was delicate. "Your mother has written to me, specifically asking that I ensure you return home over the Holidays."

He sank slightly under the covers.

"Yet as I understand it you did not spend much of your summer at home. You were at the Potters', correct?"

Sirius' voice was barely audible. "Yes, Professor."

"Do you _want_ to return to your parents this Holiday?"

Sirius eyed her wearily. Was this some sort of trap? What control did she even have over her students outside of Hogwarts? Instead of answering he looked away.

McGonagall fought down a sigh. Her hands fidgeted in her lap. "Black… when Madam Pomfrey treated your back today she noticed some-" to her surprise, before she'd even finished her sentence Sirius had slithered lower in his bed, pulling his covers up over his head with his free hand. She paused, completely thrown off by the childish act and her lips moved for a moment. "Sirius?"

She could barely hear his reply. "Go away."

Her heart constricted. How could she have never noticed how much pain this child was in when she saw him nearly every day? "I wish I could just go away, Sirius, but I can't. I need you to talk to me."

The shape under the covers curled in on itself more tightly yet remained silent.

"Sirius…" she laid her hand on the covered lump of his shoulder. "I need to hear you say it."

Her composure dipped when she heard a muffled sob from beneath the blankets. "Did someone in your family give you those scars, Sirius?"

She could feel the shoulder beneath her hand trembling. The tears that began to prick her eyes were betrayed in her voice. "I'm sorry to have to ask you this, but did your parents hurt you, Sirius?"

"Why do you care?" his voice cracked with tears and she was unsettled by his question.

"I-I am your head of house, Black. Of course I care."

"You're just the same."

"What?" his voice had been so quiet she wasn't even sure she'd heard him properly. "What did you say to me, Mr. Black?"

He didn't respond but the shoulder under her hand shook once more with a silent sob. She realized the dangerous waters she was nearly treading and immediately attempted to calm them. "I'm not mad at you, Sirius, and I will never harm you."

"You pulled my arm."

For a moment she wanted to rebuke him. "I was merely escorting you to the hospital wing, I'd hardly say that counts as-" then she suddenly realized which arm was in a sling, which arm she had been leading him by, and the quiet yelp he had issued as she pulled him to his feet. She should have known then but her own exhaustion and impatience had driven it from her mind before consideration. "Oh Merlin…. That was your broken arm."

For a brave moment she attempted to remain composed. For a brave moment she warded against the realization that in that moment she had been no better than those who had harmed him. But that brave moment faltered and she removed her hand.

Gently, she pulled the covers off the hidden form. She laid her hand back on his shoulder, not bothering to wipe the tears that had begun to slip down her cheeks behind her glasses. "I am very sorry, Sirius. I never meant to harm you."

To her surprise her student struggled to sit up, and pivoted to face her, the cocky, headstrong young man hidden behind the pain of a wounded child. He had no use for his mask now. She should have always seen it as a mask, at least in part. "Please don't make me go back, Professor."

"What?" her eyes searched what she could see of his through his hair.

As his shoulders sagged with another sob he nearly crumpled back onto the bed. "I don't want to go back."

"Oh child," she leaned forward, pulling him into her embrace. To her slight surprise he readily wrapped his free arm around her, burying his head into her shoulder and sobbing freely. "Shhh," she rubbed his heaving back, careful of the lump she knew was a bandage. "It's alright. Let it all out now." Her voice cracked with her own tears. "You're safe now. You can stay here over the Holidays."

The child in her arms continued to shake with the sobs that wracked his thin frame.

"Have you ever seen the Great Hall at Christmas?"

He screeched out a "no."

She smiled as a fresh wave of tears spilled forth. "There are twelve beautiful Christmas trees, and on Christmas day we have a most lovely feast." She paused, feeling the fabric on her shoulder soaking through with warm tears. "You'll be safe here. I'll simply owl your family to inform them of your decision to stay."

"But sh-she said-"

"She can't touch you here, child. You'll always be safe at Hogwarts."

He began to hiccough as his sobs became less frequent. "I'm s-sorry."

She pulled back then, searching his tear-stained face. "Whatever for?"

His face contorted in a sob once more. "F-for everything."

Fresh tears spilled from her eyes as she pulled him into her arms once more. "So am I, Sirius. So am I."

Madam Pomfrey had appeared with a potion. She left it on the nightstand with a meaningful glance to McGonagall. Once his hiccoughs had slowed and his tears had begun to dry she gave him the sleeping potion. He lay back down on his pillow, his breathing still fighting to return to normal as he continued to hiccough. She stroked his hair as she waited for him to relax enough for the potion to take effect, not caring if the action might embarrass him in the morning.

Once his breathing had finally slowed and his eyes drooped shut, she wiped at any remaining tears on her face.

Madam Pomfrey smiled at her from a few beds down, her own eyes teary. "Well done, Professor. Well done."

**_Please Review_!**

**Review Responses:**

**Padfoot:** Hiya Padster! How are you? Sorry that last chapter was so sad... but then agian, I'm sure this one wasn't much happier, was it? Sorry there was no Moony here for you, either, but yes, I also love that bit when he was being protective of his friend. Plus he seems to know what's going on and I think McGonagall aknowledged that when she looked him in the eye. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Love ya Padfoot! big hug

**EsScaper:** LOL- I'm glad I was able to throw you off-guard there, in a good way, of course! I'm currently reading _Death Before Dishonor_ and am indeed enjoying it! And am also rather obviously a Sirius fan. ;o) So thank you for the recommendation! And again, I still hate that you belittled yourself in your bio. You really ought to give writing a go, I'm sure you'll be great at it:o)

I'm glad you liked last chapter! I am eager to hear your thoughts on this one! Yes, McGonagall is finally beginning to use her knowledge, isn't she? And as for Sirius' fate... all I can say is that you'll just have to wiat and see... actually that's a lie, since that's rather obviously _not_ "all that I can say," I can say quite a lot about many things, actually, but that's beside the point. I shall exit before any of my charm is utterly spent... ;o)

**saiyanwizardgurl: **Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate them. I'm so glad that you felt Sirius was in character. He's a rather tricky fellow at times, don't you believe? I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this chapter. Thank you for reading/reviewing!

**Allacaya:** Ai my dear reader! Thank you so much for your input and your musings were a delight! Yes, James really is being a bit of a thick head, isn't he?;o) And I certainly wouldn't blame Sirius for leaping off the Express, either! I don't think that facing his mother to take his punishment would be any more brave than running away, actually. In fact, it might be less, because it would be falling into his old way of life again, which he is desparately struggling against. And you are most certainly right, it is extremely difficult to speak of our problems to others andespecially something of this subject matter. Very perceptive of you!

Thank you so much for your comment about my writing style! I was a bit nervous about that- I did consciously take a conservative approach. I'd feared I'd been reading too much Hemmingway and that he was rubbing off on me, but I'm glad it works for you. I believe it's very important to give the reader the free use of her/his imagination, and hence not necessarily dictate every movement of every character, you know? Thank you also so much for the recommendation: I shall definitely follow up on that. It looks like a great story:o)Well, I shall let you return to your studying, if that is what is still on your agenda, lol. Take care, and I can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter:o)

**paige-rossi-black:** Now, if last chapter was such a small step, what do you think of this one? lol. And thank you SO MUCH for your lovely recommendations, including your own stories:o) They were a pleasure to read, and your recommendations also look highly promising! Again, thank you! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and highly look forward to your thoughts on it. Thank you again for always reading and reviewing. Take care my friend!


	6. Reconciliation

**I dedicate this chapter to my Padfoot. You know who you are. ;o) **

**And I tried to update on Friday, but the site claimed it was "experiencing too much traffic. Please come back in a few minutes"... of course, hours later I got the same message. ;o)**

_**Descent into Madness**_

**IV. Reconciliation**

She should have known. She should have seen. He'd been under her gaze since he was eleven years old and she had noticed _nothing_? The fact of the matter was that no one seemed to suspect anything; even his best friend didn't seem to know much about it. He was a damn good actor, that Sirius Black. Damn good at keeping up his façade.

"It is not your fault, Minerva."

McGonagall jerked her head up quickly, not having heard the Headmaster enter. "P-Professor Dumbledore…" she hastily rose in her start. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"I trust that our patient is doing better?"

McGonagall looked down at the slumbering form, slightly tangled in the blankets. "Yes. Pomfrey gave him a sleeping draught."

"Ah, yes. I daresay it looks as if you might need one, also."

McGonagall shifted slightly, tucking a few stray strands of hair behind her ear. "I'll be all right, Albus, thank you."

He inclined his head slightly, his gaze serious. "It is not your fault, Minerva."

McGonagall looked away, her eyes lingering on the sleeping form in the bed a few feet from her. "How could I not have known, Dumbledore? This child's been at our school for nearly six years. I'm his head of house."

"Indeed, it seems young Mr. Black has fooled even the best of us. I myself came very close to believing his act."

McGonagall narrowed her eyes, her voice surprising herself with its accusative tone. "You _knew_?"

Dumbledore's face seemed to slacken and he gathered up his robes and stepped forward. "No, I did not. However, it has been my experience that whenever one employs such bravado as Mr. Black has done, one is nearly always attempting to conceal a portion of who they are."

"Very true, Headmaster. I just wish I'd seen it before." She paused as Madam Pomfrey slipped past, bearing clean gauze.

"Sometimes one has to act out, as young Sirius did, to alert others to the pain within. The important thing is now we know."

There was a hesitant pause. "His mother has written to me."

"Indeed?"

"She's requested that I make sure he returns home over the holidays," she took a shuddering breath. "And yet I promised him he could remain at Hogwarts."

Dumbledore gave a rather non-committal grunt, nodding.

As Madam Pomfrey dabbed ointment onto the healing wound on his back, McGonagall scowled. Several scars showed in the dancing lamplight. Her voice was icy. "I cannot let him go back."

"Alas, neither you nor I am his guardian, Minerva."

"Look what's been done to him, Dumbledore! How am I expected to send him back to the people who did this? He's terrified of returning home, Albus. _Terrified_."

"I believe the dwelling of his family ceased to be his home long ago, Minerva."

As Pomfrey pulled the blankets over Sirius once more he emitted a soft whimper and shifted slightly in his sleep, soon calming into motionless slumber once more. McGonagall felt her lip begin to tremble. "It breaks my heart."

"It is our great fortune to get to know so many wonderful students; to touch their lives for the better when we can, and to watch them grow into beautiful people. Yet it is also our great misfortune that we can only teach them so much. We can only love them so much, for in the end, we are only here to guide them. They are not truly ours."

McGonagall wiped her nose then sniffed. "I am expected to give an innocent child to the hands of such monsters?"

"I will not advise you in this matter, Minerva." McGonagall looked up in surprise. "As you said, you are this student's head of house. I have every faith that you are more than capable of dealing with this situation."

A fond squeeze on the shoulder, a quiet rustle of his robes, and he was gone.

**oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo**

Sirius tried not to hug the sling to his chest as he stepped into the common room. No one seemed to pay him any heed. He locked his eye on the entrance to the boys' dormitory and stepped forward. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he could see James sitting by the fire, but he didn't slow. It was embarrassing enough to be seen in his pajamas, let alone to be sucked into a conversation in them in the middle of the crowded common room. Once in the safety and quiet of the deserted dormitory, he rummaged about for some clothes to wear.

He had most of the day ahead of him, after all. And class would start soon. If he rushed he'd make breakfast, but he wasn't hungry. The memories of the previous night kept replaying in his mind. He felt as if a weight had been lifted, and his step was much more free with the promise of remaining at Hogwarts over the holidays, as McGonagall had promised. But at the same time he felt the red tendrils of embarrassment snake up his neck. He had cried. In front of her. And she _knew_.

With his good hand he yanked on his trousers then with a frustrated groan he struggled to awkwardly fix the clasp. He had to gently ease his arm from the sling to get out of his pajama top.

"What are they from?"

Sirius jumped, turning wide eyes to face Remus. The other boy's brow furrowed.

In response, Sirius turned his back on the boy, fidgeting with his shirt in an attempt to clothe himself.

He didn't hear Remus' footsteps but instead felt a hand grab at the fabric, helping him to ease it over his head. Sirius glanced sheepishly over at his friend. "Thank you." Remus only smiled.

There was a pause as Sirius began to look for socks. Remus watched him curiously. "You didn't look too good yesterday."

Sirius glanced up, peering at the quiet boy through his black bangs. "I had a fever."

"Sirius," Remus sighed and Sirius found himself apprehensive of the other's next words. Remus' voice sounded far too purposeful for his comfort. "Something's been bothering you for a long time. It isn't anything with us, so I figured it had to do with home. And then last summer, you ran away."

Sirius hadn't realized that he'd paused in his sock hunt, yet quickly resumed once he noticed, not wanting to look at Remus.

"I know what those scars are from."

It was then that the two boys locked eyes. Sirius had to fight the urge to bite his lip, but his heavy swallow didn't escape the other boys' scrutiny. Remus narrowed his eyes. "Why didn't you ever tell anyone?"

Grabbing a pair of socks he slammed the trunk closed then turned to face his friend who was now seated on his bed. "There was no reason to."

Remus frowned. "Why do you say that?"

"You're one to talk, _werewolf_. You didn't exactly tell us, did you?"

Remus gave an infuriatingly noncommittal shrug. Sirius glared then muttered, "Practice what you preach."

"I would have told you, you know."

"What?"

"When I could have. I would have told you. I didn't want you all to find out that way."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He began to tug on his socks. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"But Sirius… you were hurting."

He looked up now and immediately wished he hadn't. Remus' empathetic eyes were almost more than he could bear.

"You became Padfoot for me. James became Prongs for me. Hell, even Peter became Wormtail for me, all so that I wouldn't have to be alone. So that I wouldn't have to hurt alone."

Sirius didn't like the way his throat was beginning to constrict.

"Why did you have to do this alone?"

"Because."

"'Because' why?"

Sirius didn't hesitate to lock eyes with the other boy. "Because I'm a Black."

Anger sparked in Remus' eyes. "You just like to wear your mask too much."

Sirius blinked in surprise. "What?"

"This act that you do. Like you haven't a care in the world when you're really crying inside. It's all just a mask you show to the world."

Sirius was panicking now. There was no way he was that obvious. He'd thought he'd had everyone fooled…

"Like mine."

He frowned. "You don't have a mask, Moony."

The other boy laughed humorlessly. "If you don't know it then I don't know who does."

Sirius eyed him curiously. He'd never expected Remus to understand so well. Remus' eyes locked with his and Sirius felt a pang of pain at how haunted and wise they suddenly looked before they turned away in unease.

"You know I fake it, too. That it doesn't hurt. Every once in a while I can convince myself that I can see clearly the road ahead. But it's always just in my imagination. Each month it returns to remind of who I am. Of my place. But you know, Sirius," he turned to look him in the eye. "That part's not a mask anymore. I _know_ who I am. Being a werewolf is only a small part of what I am, not who I am. And it's the same with you, you know."

Sirius looked down at his feet, his shoes nearby. His voice was quiet. "I know."

Remus squeezed his good shoulder before rising just as James entered. Moony and Padfoot exchanged one last meaningful glance before Remus cracked a grin. "So where you going over the Holidays? My place or his? No full moon till early January." He winked.

Sirius shot James a weary glance and was surprised to see the other boy nervously smile back at him. "S-Sorry about your arm, Padfoot. I-I didn't realize-"

"Forget it."

Sirius bent down to put on a shoe. Remus wandered over to his bed and began gathering up his textbooks. James stepped forward. "I thought you were coming home with me over the holidays."

Sirius jerked his head up to look at the bespectacled boy.

"But Remus was just saying…"

"We're having a sleepover no matter whose house he goes to," Moony called over his shoulder as he stuffed his books in his bag.

Sirius cracked a lopsided grin then returned his gaze to James as Remus waved before exiting. "You, uh, you don't hate me then?"

James frowned. "Hate you? Why would I hate you?"

Sirius' eyes shifted to James' black eye, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

The other boy rolled his eyes. "You've always been the impulsive one, Sirius. You act without thinking. You let your emotions rule you."

"So," was his childishly defiant response and he turned away again, trying to lace up his shoe single-handedly, suddenly realizing that his childish response was also fueled by emotion.

James sighed and knelt to help his friend. Sirius bit his lip as the other tied his shoe for him.

"Didn't you learn this when you were five?" He had only to glance up at his friend to feel the full power of the others' glare. He chuckled. "Put your foot in the other one."

"Why are you putting on my shoes for me?"

"Because you have a broken arm, you git."

"No, I mean, why… why are you being nice to me?"

James looked up at Sirius, concern suddenly griping his features. "Because you're my friend." He rose, having finished tying the shoe. "More than that, you're my brother."

"But I was so awful to you…"

"I know. But I should have been around more. I let my head get all clouded up when I'm around Lily. I can't think straight…"

Sirius chuckled. "I could have told you that second year when you tried to-" he paused suddenly when James held up a piece of parchment.

"This was on your nightstand."

Sirius looked away.

"You don't really have to go back, do you?"

Sirius shrugged. "McGonagall says I can stay here."

"Well if you can stay here I don't see any reason why you can't come home with me. I just wish you would have told me rather than letting it eat at you…"

Sirius took the letter in his good hand. "Why would I? We've never talked about it before."

"Yes, well, when you showed up last summer looking like you had just been attacked by a pack of feral dogs as Padfoot I had some clue. But you never seemed to want to talk about it and I didn't want to, you know, invade your space or whatnot."

Sirius shrugged. "I have no space anymore."

"Well you do now. I'm not leaving Hogwarts without you." He handed the other boy his Gryffindor tie.

Sirius smiled reluctantly as he accepted it.

**_Please Review!_**

**A/N: The second half of this chapter wasn't in the original version, but as my dear reviewers have been asking about it,I realized that it would be foolish not to write in James and Sirius' inevitable reconcilation. I think I had originally leaned towards keeping a scene like this for fear it would take away from the overall feel that I was attempting to create with this work, but I think it still works. Your feedback shall be most appreciated and treasured!**

**Review Responses:**

**saiyanwizardgurl:** Thank you so much for your feedback! That last chapter I think I was the most timid to post, but I'm glad that you could still see it in-character. :o) And I shall look out for your new story! I wish you the best of luck! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know, okay? But I know you always do. :oP

**EsScaper:** Oh I'm **SO** glad that you liked the "softer side" of McGonagall! I always thought we got a glimpse of it in the 4th book after Harry had faced Voldemort. She's such a stoic woman, but not entirely so. And now you also got James and Sirius' moment: what did you think:o) Does it still work well?

**Trovia:** It's simply splendid to hear from you, my dear! I'm very glad that you like the story so far and hope that I still have your high thoughts. Yes, I agree, that moment with Sirius could have changed his character in this story, so I can see how you'd be weary. However, (forunately for the purposes of this story, I suppose) I have quite a bit of experience in this subject area, and even the strongest of individuals needs a shoulder to cry on every once in a while, and when they are proud, like Sirius, it usually helps if that shoulder is someone who knows them yet not intimately. That way it's easier to hold your head up afterwards and resume your mask. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter, and the following ones, of course. And you're most welcome for the quick updates- I've certainly tried:o)

**niccc:** Thank you so much for your kind words! I certainly will continue this tale to its end, which is indeed on the horizon. Thank you for your input and I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter. Take care, sweetie!

**Allacaya:** LOL- I loved that you identified McGonagall as "a teacher with a backbone." LOL. And that backbone will come into play in the next chapter... but that's all I'm saying. ;o) Yes, this resolution was a bit less dramatic than a great escape, as it were, however I wouldn't have put it past our impulsive Sirius to leap off of a moving train... lol. I just read your bio and guess what? Since I was raised on it, I've wanted to be Indy for quite some time, as well. ;o) I even wrote "Relic Hunter" on a prospective career form in high school. ;oP

**kurtcobain4eva:** (sniffles at you name) I'm so glad you like my worl, sweetie! Thank you so much for your review- it's lovely to hear from you! LOL, better and better with each post? Wow, now that's a lot to live up to now... lol. ;o) I hope this chapter lived up to your standards! Take care!

**paige-rossi-black:** grins I'm glad you liked the lastchapter, my faithful reviewer! Awww bless your heart! I hope you didn't cry too much. :o) LOL, and don't worry, "poor Siri" is okay with me. ;o) And you're most welcome for reading your stories- it was my pleasure! I hope you liked this chapter! I know you'll let me know. ;o) Take care my friend!

**RubyRaisin:** **_OMG_**- thank you so much for your review. It was **_SO GOOD_** to hear someone aknowledge how dangerous the last chapter could have been, and then to hear that it worked was such a relief. Thank you so much for your support, and I certainly hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you think! And thanks again for reviewing. :o)

**LaLa-the-Panda:** Thank you for your review, my dear! I hope you are still enjoying this tale! I know... poor Snuffles:o) What do you think of this chapter? Take care!

**Phinea:** I'm so glad that you found the previous chapter convincing. I'm sorry if it was a bit of a tear-jerker, but you know how it is; that was also the effect I was going for. ;o) Thank you also for your input! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'd love to hear what you think!

**Padfoot:** LOL- well, you've got your Moony now! ;o) I'm gald that you liked last chapter, sad though it was. And yes, I was hoping that it might help to show how human Sirius is. People who are in pain, like him, often adopt a mask to hide it, and his isthat of acocky, headstrong boy. But all masks must eventually slip...


	7. Retribution

_**Descent into Madness**_

**IV. Retribution**

It had begun to snow and the windowpane was cool against his forehead. He found the many falling flakes soothing in the silence of the dormitory. The beds were made, their occupants gone. Sirius shifted as he tucked his arms in closer to his chest, mindful of his sling. It hadn't been his fault, really. James had wanted him to come home with him over the holidays. It was his mother's fault. She'd written to the Potters. Now he was one of the few students stuck in Hogwarts over the holidays and the only Gryffindor.

He leaned his head back against the stone of the sill, feeling his skin begin to prickle with goosebumps as he lost body heat by changing position. He didn't mind. The cold so perfectly matched how he felt inside. Alone.

Someone opened a distant door and the sound of shuffling footsteps echoed. Someone was coming to the dormitory… Sirius tried not to hunch his shoulders as he turned to eye the closed door. He started when there was a rap. "Mr. Black?"

That was Filch's voice.

"Mr. Black? You in there? You have a visitor. She's waiting just outside the portrait and said to gather your things then come down immediately. She's in no mood for foolery, that one…" his voice trailed off as he began to shuffle down the stairs once more, muttering, "nice to see a woman who knows how to handle the little brats…"

He didn't care if he shed his mask and showed his sheer anguish. No one was there to see it, anyway. Suddenly shaking, he slid off the ledge and made his way to his bed, wrapping his arm around the bedpost and leaning his cheek against the smooth wood. He felt the skin of his forehead tug his eyebrow up as his high cheekbone slid against the wood. His legs suddenly felt very weak. His hands were clammy as a cold sweat swept over his form. It was all over now. She was waiting for him, and he didn't dare aggravate her any further than she undoubtedly was.

With a deep, shuddering gasp he stepped away from the bedpost, his throat constricted.

**oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo**

Sirius was trying valiantly not to vomit. He kept his back pressed against the cold stone of the wall, wishing he had James' invisibility cloak. This statue seemed to shield him from view well enough, yet the moment she exited he knew he'd wish he were hidden behind parapets of stone. He'd grown so numb he couldn't even feel where she'd dug her fingers into his upper arm. The only pain was the writhing of his insides.

He took in a quick breath when she shouted once more.

"He will not be continuing his studies here! I should have known better than to place my faith in this incompetent mudblood-loving-"

"When the welfare of a student is concerned, Mrs. Black, it is the duty of the head of house to take action."

"What lies has he been telling you?"

Sirius sank even lower against the wall, now hunched low behind the statue.

"Mrs. Black, I would appreciate it if you did not shout-"

"You're telling _me_ not to shout? How dare you! You are trying to keep my son from me!"

"Mrs. Black, if you do not calm yourself I am going to have to ask Mr. Filch to escort you from our premises."

"You cannot steal my son away from me."

There was a pause.

"I believe he left you on his own quite some time ago."

After a long pause Sirius heard the venomous tone of his mother that he'd thought she only used within their home. "This is _not_ the end. Expect legal proceedings."

"Mrs. Black, with all due respect, there is not a court in the wizarding world that would side with you." Sirius' heart lifted at the strength of both her voice and statement.

"Then you underestimate the power of a good family name."

"A mistake I am more than willing to make in this case. Now, good day to you."

There was a loud noise as Sirius was sure his mother had slammed something, then the furious clicking of heels as she exited. She rounded the statue, her mouth a thin line and her eyes livid. "On your feet, boy!" she yanked him up by the scruff of his neck. Her tight grip remained there, Sirius hunching slightly at the pressure. "I'm taking you home."

Sirius' heart beat so quickly he felt his entire body glow with heat. None of it had mattered. He was going to regret this for the rest of his life, however short it may be… but the sight of the emerald garlands upon the banisters caused the world to slow. He blinked up at his mother then looked back, digging his heels into the ground. Mrs. Black did not slow, however, pulling on Sirius' collar rather as an angry owner might attempt to yank along a resisting dog. "_Move_, boy, or you'll regret it."

"No." His voice was quiet and his eyes glued to the floor, but he had said it.

"What?" She released him and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look her in the face. "Don't you dare disobey me."

"I'm not coming with you." He reached up and lightly grabbed her forearm in the attempt to remove his chin from her grasp. She released him as soon as she felt the pressure, yet used her freehand to swiftly backhand him.

He let his head hang to the side, his face burning furiously from the strike, yet with conscious effort, his shoulders remained straight.

"Mrs. Black!"

"Stay out of this, McGonagall! Now stop this nonsense and come with me."

Tentatively his blue eyes traveled upward to meet his mother's through his bangs. She was glaring at him intently, the whites betraying a small amount of fear. She was not on her turf; she did not trust her control over him. He raised his head and swallowed hard. "No."

Mrs. Black cocked her head. "What?"

"I believe he made himself quite clear, Mrs. Black."

She shot the professor a glare before returning her ire to her child. "You would choose these mudbloods over your own mother? You would turn your back on the woman who gave birth to you- on your own flesh and blood?" She extended a shaky hand. "Come with me now, Sirius. Show me you still have some loyalty to your bloodline. Tell me you aren't lost."

He gave McGonagall a measured look over his shoulder, then returning his gaze to his mother he took a slow step back.

Mrs. Black's nostrils flared and for a moment her facial features floundered as she sought to express herself. "Then you are no longer my son. You shall be disinherited and spoken of within our home no more." She stepped forward as Sirius's form winced at her words. "I loathe the day you were born."

With one last vicious look at McGonagall, her heels echoed in the quiet hall, her shouts at Kreacher dimly heard in the distance.

Sirius took in a shaking, rigid breath as she disappeared. He started when he felt a hand fall upon his shoulder. He looked up to see McGonagall. "That was a very brave thing you did, Mr. Black."

He let his gaze slide down to her hand on his shoulder. It lingered there for a moment then returned to the open doors through which his mother had exited. He felt the grip on his shoulder tighten and for the first time realized that he was shaking. His lips parted, yet it took him a struggling moment to speak. "Pro…tha-thank you, Professor."

"I merely stood behind you, Mr. Black. You did the rest on your own." He felt her hand tentatively rest upon his head. "I am damn proud of you, Sirius Black. Damn proud."

At her crude use of language he craned his neck to look her in the eye. She gave him a watery smile.

**_Please Review!_**

**A/N: I added more onto this chapter than there originally was, as well. As some of you have let me know how much you're enjoying this tale, I've been keen to deliver, and thus make more content. Please let me know if it's working. Thanks!**

**Review Responses:**

**RubyRasin:** Awww, bless your heart! Don't worry, there's still at least one more chapter, then I'm thinking of a companion piece of sorts… but you've never been a faithful reviewer? Ah- then I am most truly blessed to have your loyalty! (bows down) Thank you, my dear friend! Yeah, James and Sirius really ought to have a moment when they delves deeper into the subject matter, but alas, boys will be boys, for now at least. But don't worry… I have an idea for something of the sort that I think you shall enjoy… LOL- yes, we Americans can at least try and get away with "I want it faster and I want more of it!" can't we? I hope this was fast enough! And I hope you enjoyed it! Take care!

**LaLa-the-Panda:** (Smiles) Yeah, friendship is a beautiful thing, isn't it? And thank the stars that Sirius has so many good friends. If only Peter didn't turn out to be a… well, maybe I better leave my obvious thoughts on that matter for a time when I have a rated M story and can get away with a few curse words… but let's just say that he's a "stupid sorry parasitic sack of entrails" (Hook in _Hook_)!

**niccc:** Awww, thank you so much my dear! I also hope that this chapter hasn't displeased you! And bless your heart- it nearly made you cry? I can only thank you for such heartfelt words, because I don't know what to say! Thank you. :o) And yes, I also adore McGonagall in the concerned for her student role. :o) So what did you think of this chapter, especially in that regard?

**EsScaper:** Oooh- still sense something, you do? LOL- Okay, enough of Yoda. ;o) I'm so glad that you liked the reconciliation between James and Sirius. I was a bit iffy on that… An yes! I totally agree with you in that Remus seems like he's more Sirius' soulmate. He has so many demons of his own, and is so observant/wise that he can identify them in others. But I think that frightens Sirius a bit, at least right now. So what did you think of this chapter? I hope it met your standards! LOL- Take care, sweetie!

**saiyanwizardgurl:** LOL- oooh- I got a mental cheer when I posted the last chapter? I LOVE it when I get so into a story that that happens. I am deeply honored that you might feel that way about something I've written. Thank you. :o) And thank you so much for your feedback about the last chapter- I was so nervous trying to write James, Sirius and Remus all in a room together when one wasn't asleep or otherwise engaged, lol. So I'm glad you approve of how it turned out! What did you think of this chapter? Love ya, sweetie!

**Padfoot:** "Padfoots!" "PadFEET!" lol- so sorry _mellon-nïn_, Blibo just made be write that little bit… but on topic, I loved that you loved the last chapter! LOL. Yah, I know, Remus can understand Sirius in a much deeper way than James can understand Sirius. Like I said to EsScaper, I think that's because of Remus' own demons. They've educated him, if you will. As always, thank you for your smile, and for your support. Love ya, Pads!


	8. Epilogue

**_Descent into Madness _**

**Epilogue: In the End**

_Oh yes, I remember that day. I remember the look on her face: pride. She'd helped to give me the strength to do what was in my heart. And she was right. Hogwarts had become my real home the moment I stepped through those doors. She knew more about a part of me that I rarely, if ever, even let my closest friends see. She saw the solemn-eyed boy I was inside._

_You think they'd have known me well enough to know that I could never do what they accused me of. But I was wrong, oh so wrong. They all felt betrayed. _

_In the end, I can see how they'd construed it. I'd deceived them all before, after all, hadn't I? I guess they thought I'd just deceived them again. I guess they thought that my entire life had been one lie after another. That my brotherhood with James was all just some act? That was their means of justification._

_They used it against me, you know. "That poor boy, beaten all his childhood. It's no wonder he turned out strange." Deceiver. That's what they thought of me. Even McGonagall believed it. In her fury at having ever trusted me she believed everything. And how could anyone argue the contrary? _

"_He had something wrong with him, that boy. Had a bad start on life. Abuse will do that to a man."_

_To a man… They say I went mad the night I allegedly sold Lily and James to Voldemort. They arrested me laughing. No, I hadn't gone mad then. I'd begun to loose my sanity long before that. When pressed with the matter I know McGonagall recalled holding a sobbing child in her arms, years of denial spilling forth from my eyes. Perhaps she knew the workings of my mind then. She had told me I'd always be safe at Hogwarts. I was a fool to ever believe… _

_Locked in a cell with nothing but the shivering memories of despair as company for twelve years, that's enough to drive any man insane. But you see now how I was used to abuse. My sanity had already slipped long ago. They could not break me. Not when inside a part of me was always broken. _

_Do you understand? They certainly like to believe they did. It explained away my guilt for them. Do you not see?_

_I was born into madness. They were right on that account. But I knew how to deal with it. It was my plague, this constant silent pain. The weeping of my heart was always my reminder of who I was. But I grow weary now, weary of the pain. I am tired of running. Tired of leaving. Tired of loving. _

_My brand of madness was given to me at birth. My earliest years in this life taught me what to expect from this world that is determined to beat me down. And yet I do not fight back- not anymore. I'm too spent now to keep up the façade. My tired, wounded eyes turn to the blue patch in the gray sky. I imagine now my appearance reflects the suffering that has always dwelled within my heart._

_Then let them look at me and fear, for such wretchedness harrows even the bravest of men. Brave… she had called me brave that day. And perhaps I was. Once. But no more. I am wounded beyond recall. Bravery is beyond me. I let down my façade long ago and now lay exposed to the world. Let them see in me what they will. I care not. _

_My brand of madness was given to me at birth. I was born into madness. It just took others a while to see it._

_**Please Review!**_

**A/N: Sorry I didn't warn you all that this would be the last chapter. Please, let me know what you think of this chapter and the story overall. I have an idea for a follow-up piece, if you will, along with a separate story. Should I continue writing?**

**Review Responses:**

**LaLa-the-Panda:** Wasn't it fun to see...er... _read_ McGonagall swear? LOL. I'm glad you liked it. And thank you ever so much for reading and always leaving me feedback. I treasure it. Thank you.

**paige-rossi-black:** (Grins) Thank you so much, my dear! I'm glad I was able to help you see McGonagall in a slightly different light- as the powerful woman that she is, protecting her students. :o) Thank you for always reading and reviewing. You've helped me so much. And just so you know- those stories that you recommended are on my to-do list:o) Take care, my friend!

**EsScaper:** Need I tell you how valued your opinion has always been to me, my dear? Thank you so much for always offering it and all of your lovely feedback. Most importantly, thank you for reading. I'm immensely pleased that you enjoyed the previous chapter. Sirius' anguish, as you've so aptly dubbed it, was like a film scene in my head, and I'm glad I was able to translate at least some of that. Again, thank you so much for your constant support. And I've finished _Death Before Dishonor_ and am now moving on to _Promises Unbroken_. Thanks again for the recommendation:oD Be well, my friend. :o) Until our paths cross again...

**saiyanwizardgurl:** LOL- I also would have loved to be there to witness Mrs. Black's face! And give her a good kick in the shins... Thank you so much for always reading and reviewing. Your feedback has always been a joy. Thank you so much. I wish you the best!

**niccc: LMAO! OMG-** that Wendy's crack still has me giggling. ;o) Did you hear the woman stuck the finger in there herself? Gah- so disgusting that I won't get into it... lol. Ah my dear, you have been an absolute _gift_ to me! Thank you so much for your feeback and support. I wish you the best in life and writing. Take care, my friend.

**Aurinko:** Thanks so much for your feedback, especially on the characterization front. :o) I hope you enjoyed the rest of this tale, and thank you so much for reading. Bless your heart! Until next we meet- may you ve well.

**Trovia:** LOL- I'm so glad you liked the "damn proud" bit. :o) And your comments on her backbone and the portrayal of a more mature Sirius are greatly treasured. Thank you so much for your reading, reviewing and perceptiveness. I wish you the best, my dear. Take care.

**Allacaya:** I think my first response would be that my favorite is _Raiders of the Lost Arc_, however, when I think on it _Last Crusade_ is right after it, if not side-by side. I used to dress up as Indy for Halloween all the time. ;o) And I read _Hidden_ and loved it, naturally. Thank you _SO MUCH_ for letting me know about it:o)

Thank you so much for always reading and reviewing and giving me such wonderful feedback and food for thought! I'm delighted that you enjoyed this last chapter and hope that you have enjoyed this story overall. As to your questions... I had written another chapter that answered most of them, but in the end I decided to exclude it, as I felt it would take away from my intent with this story, which I hope is presented quite clearly in this chapter. Again, thank you for always being there, and for your support. Take care, my dear fellow-adventurer!

**Padfoot:** Oooh my Padmeister! Thank you so much for always reading and reviewing! You are a bright light in my life, and I am honored to call youmy friend.:o) I know I don't have to say good-bye here, so I shall not. But all the same, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Be well, _mellon-nïn. Namarië_!

**RubyRaisin:** Ah yes, poor Sirius is indeed the tortured soul... most likely what drew me (and many others) to him in the first place. Yeah- I also love the idea of McGonagall giving him the strength to get through it all... or at least helping to give him the strength. And thank you so much for your comments on the way this story was written. It really means a lot to me and helps me as I continue. I've been immensely honored to entertain you, my dear. I hope that you are well and have enjoyed this tale. Thank you.


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